Magic: The Gathering Timeline

Magic: The Gathering Timeline

Posted on April 13, 2012
Filed Under Articles, Energizer, Flashbacks, Phodos, Staff | 13 Comments

Some players are too busy playing to realize it, but the events of Magic: The Gathering tell a story. These events form a timeline, comprising everything that took place in the Magic novels, and on the cards, from Dominaria to Rath to Mirrodin and beyond.

In celebration of the upcoming set Future Sight, let’s take a look at the timeline, in Argivian Reckoning, of Magic: The Gathering’s fantasy history.

-800000: Colors licked into being by giant cow
-140000: Snake women develop boobs
-100000: Rat women develop two boobs; lose remaining boobs
-80000: Angels gain bellybuttons
-6000: Age of the ages; Sword, crown, staff forged
-5000: That Which Was Taken is taken
-4998: The Great Stabbing Of The Pithing Needles
-4995: The events of Kamigawa draw to a close. Umezawa sent to Dominaria
-4000: Thran civilization. Yawgmoth, an evil doctor, comes to mighty Thran city
-3999: No one can read Yawgmoth’s signature — thousands die
-3998: Thran, Phyrexians engage in giant conflict
-3990: Yawgmoth banished to Phyrexia; says “Oh, no” as he becomes a god
-3000: Age of Lace/Blast
-2147: Banding invented
-2142: Elder dragons learn how to remove banding after years of study
-2001: R&D hit by bus
-2000: Time of Legends begins
-1998: Great Attack of the Animated Mana Batteries
-1997: War of the Plainswalkers
-1994: The Age of Rabid Wombats begins
-1926: Great Wombat Scouring ends Age of Wombats
-1920: Gwendlyn di Corci sues estate for child support
-1912: Lady Orca shaves head
-1000: Time of Legends ends
0: Argivians foolishly dig up Thran, Phyrexian crap
30: Urza, Mishra argue over whom mother liked more; part ways
30 and two seconds: Brothers’ War begins
64: Urza destroys much of world with giant soup bowl, ending Brothers’ War
65: Urza’s Saga commences; world doesn’t notice
70: Thousands journey to Kroog to prevent 1 damage
190: Age of the Homarids
200: Thrulls, Homarids begin jumping up and down
201: Animals jumping up and down cause several empires to fall
300: Dark Age begins; no one can see
301: Earliest known Bone Flute / Twiddle joke
306: Sirens’ song massacres peasants during festival
312: War barge turns out to be deadly trap
500: Global warming causes Ice Age
700: Pox kills a third of all Dominarians
1922: Urza bums around Paris with Hemingway and Gertrude Stein
2884: Jaya Ballard hires team of ghost writers
2900: Alliances are formed, it starts to warm up
2914: Oops, cold snap
2934: Global warming ends Ice Age
2935: Last known “Foglion.” Creatures don’t look retarded from here on.
3346: Urza decides, enough with saga. Begins creating legacy
3360: Urza realizes he has no legacy. Builds Urza Library, writes life story
3361: Urza begins seeking destiny
3362: Stack discovered; damage is all over it
3500: Urza arrested for cloning Masters of Arms
3700: Urza’s blue period
4000: Events of Homelands take place on other plane; absolutely no one notices
4140: Dominaria becomes politically correct; black people given jobs as Village Elders
4150: Events of Mirage take place; flank knights ride around
4152: Love Song of Night and Day hits No. 1
4179: Events of Visions take place; vampires begin tutoring
4190: Age of the Homarids
4196: Gerrard begins flying around in ship
4206: Yawgmoth nearly destroys Dominaria; sudden realization that moon is weapon saves world
4210: Blastoderm Era fades away
4216: Phyrexia still refusing Dominarian inspections
4240: Merfolk discover computer games, go into hiding
4305: Mirari begins wreaking havoc on Otaria; Braids discovers dreads; world controlled by wild mongrels
4306: Mirari wreaks more havoc; entire world aligns between goblins or Astral Slide
4307: Psychatog hits for 1
4309: Karona regrets name change
4490: Humans become human
4500: On Mirrodin, metal creatures fight other metal creatures; Metal Age
4501: Death Metal Age
4502: Age of Clamping
4509: Fifth sun dawns over Mirrodin; Age of Trinkets
4600: Time spirals out of control; go to start
4602: Planes explode into total chaos
4603: Einstein poses for Presence of the Master
4604: Future intrudes into present; go to end
5001: The Great Extinction: all Lords die off suddenly
6404: Karn & Squee reunite, have a few beers
8000: Elder Land Wurm still not going anywhere
8190: Age of the Homarids
10000: Ravnican conflict begins; slums rumble repeatedly
10004: Dimir Guild deletes this entry
10019: Ravnican conflict ends; Boros deck wins
72000: Triumphant return of poison
120000: Squire materializes in future; still worst creature ever

Via magiclampoon.com